Unlock Your Best Sex Yet: A Sex Coach’s Tips For Confidence In Bed

Want to be more confident in bed? Sex educator and pleasure coach Sara Tang breaks down how to be assertive and communicate your desires without shame!

We all know that confidence is one of the sexiest traits you can have, but less talked about is how critical it is in the bedroom. After all, sex can be incredibly vulnerable — it’s no wonder many of us waver in moments of intimacy, no matter how accomplished we are in other aspects of our lives. Here to help is Sara Tang, Hong Kong’s foremost sexologist and relationship coach. Having run her Better In Bed podcast and coaching centre for over a decade, she’s distilled how to build sexual confidence into three fundamental steps: Education, Exploration and Communication.

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Why Do So Many Of Us Lack Confidence In Bed?

Lack of sexual confidence stems from a number of reasons, from fear of rejection to the societal taboo surrounding sex as dirty and shameful. Coupled with how intimacy is portrayed in movies and pop culture (not to mention in porn), many of us feel insecure across the board, making us overthink, doubt and feel guilty about our sexuality. Consequently, many of us have learnt to either over-perform, fake orgasms or suppress our natural desires.

So, what can we do to change that? First and foremost, it’s important to remember that confidence is built up over time, not inherent. Sexual confidence isn’t something that happens overnight. Rather, it’s something we acquire over time with experience.

But don’t get it twisted — ‘experience’ doesn’t necessarily mean having an extensive sexual history. Tang says that clients often equate sexual confidence with sexual prowess (like knowing how to give the ‘perfect blowjob’ or by having many lovers), but she has found that one’s journey to true sexual confidence first starts with healing their own sexual relationship.

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Education: How To Become An Expert On Your Sexuality

Knowledge is power, so building sexual confidence must begin with education. Many of us received limited — or no! — lessons on sex when we were growing up, leaving mainstream porn to fill in the gaps. But porn is a fantasy representation of sex; a better starting point might be OMGYes, a female-driven platform dedicated to the latest science on sexuality, or the 15-year-strong Sex With Emily podcast.

All of your thoughts, associations and experiences of sex shape who you are as a sexual being. Try to reflect on your most meaningful sexual encounters, and ask yourself what you liked or didn’t like about them. Recognising how your early messaging around sexuality (particularly in your childhood) has impacted you is equally important. Working through your past can be complicated, but in doing so, you’ll be able to more easily identify what your barriers to confidence are and how to confront them.

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Exploration: Being Open To Trying New Things

The second step to building sexual confidence is exploration, where you put what you’ve learned from step one into practice. Engaging with different people, contexts and sexual activities will help you grow as a sexual being. If that sounds scary, we get it — taboos around sex make exploration uncomfortable and even embarrassing. But by approaching intimacy with genuine curiosity, you build the foundation for greater awareness, which is the bedrock of confidence.

Exploration looks different for everyone, and it may simply mean inventing new ways to initiate sex within a current relationship. But one of the best ways to begin is self pleasure (extra points if it’s in front of a mirror!). This will help you learn what makes you feel good and what to ask for, and encourage your understanding that sexual pleasure is accessible with or without a partner — a form of sexual confidence and empowerment in and of itself.

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Communication: Making Sex An Ongoing Conversation

Honest communication is intimate and vulnerable. Nevertheless, it’s critical in building sexual confidence, as it makes us better at providing exactly what our partners want.

Don’t know how to begin those conversations? To ensure everyone feels comfortable, Tang suggests discussing sex at a time that isn’t before or after the act, and to begin with more general questions about someone’s sexual history or fantasies. Zeroing in directly on a ‘problem’ in your sex life (like lack of sex or orgasm) can sometimes put your partner on the defensive, so approaching it with curiosity can ease that tension.

The biggest takeaway? Conversations about sex should be consistent and open. This sets the precedent that talking about sex is on the table — not only discussed negatively or in crisis situations. If you’re seriously unsure where to begin, Tang suggests making it into a game instead: write down what you love doing, what your boundaries are or what you would be up for trying sex and get your partner to do the same. Try to guess one another’s answers, then discuss it together!

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Final Thoughts

Confidence is an aphrodisiac and, as it grows, it is likely that you will find yourself desiring and enjoying sex a whole lot more. From there, it’s only a matter time before you begin to radiate the kind of sex appeal that comes with inner strength, independence and knowing yourself inside out.

Editorial Note: This article was originally published in 2020 and was most recently updated by Team Sassy in November 2025.